Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Parker "The Officially Cheap"

Okay.  Parker.  Where do I begin?  Once again I am thinking that you should always trust your gut...My instincts said that Parker was a cheap nerd and I wasn't wrong.  I stupidly gave him the benefit of the doubt and four more dates to prove it to me.

Date 1:  The Pizza Dilemma
-This is the date from the previous entry on Parker.  The one where he said he was bringing the free pizza and I had to pay for the movie.  Well instead he ended up bringing wine and told me I should cook for him(!!!).  There was no way in hell I was cooking for him so I bought some fancy cheeses, meats, fruit, chocolate and made up a yummy platter of these delicious items, think Obladee if you've ever been!  He redeemed himself by bringing three bottles of wine.  I guess he wasn't sure what type I'd like so he brought a variety.  FYI, we only drank one.  When it was time to leave he left the other two bottles at my place stating that we could drink them another time.

Date 2:  Comedy Club
-Our second date was at a comedy club to which he had free tickets.  He said he made dinner reservations at the hotel attached to the comedy place before the show and I said that sounded good.  We arrived and because it was a buffet style dinner you had to pay in advance.  He got out his credit card, paid and said, "You can pay me back later."  Seriously.  He said that. 

Date 3:  Chicken Cordon Bleu
-He came over and made me dinner and we drank wine bottle number two.  He also helped me fix my Christmas tree that had already fallen over twice, that was nice.  This date was cut short because he had the get his hair cut by a friend at like 8:30.

Date 4: Mexican and Muppets
At this point I REALLY should not have been dating this guy.  I knew for sure that he was not the one for me.  I wasn't excited, wasn't getting that butterfly feeling, and had generally been avoiding him.  However being somewhat of a pussy I went.  We went for Mexican at one of my favorite places.  Without discussing it I paid (since he said I'd have to pay him back for the comedy club dinner I figured this would do).  We went to see the Muppet movie after was a Tuesday night and cheap night afterall so he paid.

That was the last date we had.  However, over the weekend I received a drunken text saying "Why did you say I was trying to move to fast."  I suppose at this point I should mention that after our second date he said he wanted to date exclusively and had already told his mother I was his girlfriend.  I knew at this point I'd have to be upfront and let him know I wasn't interested in pursuing this any further.  Last night I got a text asking if I would like to go to a movie (again, Tuesday cheap night) or go for wings on Thursday(also cheap night for wings).  So it was time to man up and tell the truth (or at least mostly the truth)'s how our conversation went:

Guy: Want to go to a movie tonight or go for wings on Thursday?

Me:  I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've been feeling a little distant the past few days.  When you wrote me on Saturday night it got me thinking...

I generally wouldn't take it quite so slow...I think there is something missing for me.  I think you are a nice guy and I like spending time with you but something just isn't there.

Guy: K  (Aaaaah! Can't make this highlight-y part go away...sorry!)

Guy:  Not much I can say.  Good luck.

Me:  I normally wouldn't say these things via text but we don't talk on the phone and it seemed kinda dumb to waste your time and have you come all the way over here. 

Me:  Anyways, best of luck to you too.

Guy:  Yeah I figured it was a dead end when I had to plan out and decide everything we did to be honest.

Me:  Sorry

Now here is the kicker and when things get really good...

Guy: Mind if I come over and grab that 3rd bottle of wine if you didn't drink it?

Me:  Are you serious?

Me:  If you want to...I guess so....

Guy:  It's not a big deal lol

Guy: Didn't expect that response.

Me:  Sorry just thought it was a weird thing to say, but it's all yours if you'd like it.

Guy:  I like wine is all.

Guy:  And it's one less bottle I'll have to buy during Christmas.

Guy:  It's sometimes nice to treat yourself to a bottle other than what you make yourself (he makes wine).

Me:  At the risk of sounding like a complete bitch I am going to say something.  That's part of the reason I knew it wouldn't work with us.  You seem preoccupied with $ and to me that's really tacky.

Me:  I am all about paying my way and my fair share but I think it is really tacky to be discussing such things when you are just dating.

Guy:  Wow.  Go fuck yourself.

Guy:  And yeah you do sound like a bitch.

Me:  Sorry

Me:  You sound cheap.

Guy:  Good luck with life.

Me:  Anyhoo just let me know when you want to get your wine, I'll leave it in my mailbox.

Guy:  It's just obvious you don't know me.

Guy:  And I will never talk to you again or come for it

Guy:  That is the single most disrespectful thing I have heard in years

Guy: About my nature and character

Sorry buddy, your nature and character is cheap and you needed to be told.  I wouldn't have gone there if you didn't ask about picking up your $15 bottle of wine.  You needed to know.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Guy #9~ A Guy, Two Sleds and a Pizza Dilemma (Parker)

On Wednesday I had a seeminly promising date with a seemingly normal (albeit slightly geeky....well maybe fully geeky) guy.  He is really nice, seems to be looking for the same things as me and is about to start a promising career.  Originally our plan was to go out for a drink, but then mother nature gave us something far more exciting to do.  She dumped a giant load of snow on us, so we ventured to a popular local hill for some good old fashioned sledding.  Being one not to shy away from a little adventure I was all for it.  Instead of spending a fair bit of time getting ready I threw on my lulus and winter gear and headed for the hill. 

As far as first dates go it was pretty good.  It was nice to step outside the box and do something a little different.  It was interesting trying to get to know someone while in your most figure flattering snow pants and while huffing and puffing up a giant hill.  After we were done coasting we headed out for hot chocolate.  Despite the fact that I had major racoon eyes from snow getting in my face and my make up running (thanks guy for not telling me, btw!) things went pretty well and we decided to extend the date and go for the drink we had originally planned on as well.  Since then he has been texting me and we made plans to see eachother Sunday.'s the kicker...

I may be reading too much into this...whadda ya think?

Tonight I get some texts to firm up our plans for Sunday.  They go like this-

Guy: So Sunday I work 11-7

Me:  So did you still want to do something?Guy:  I would have comendeered you tonight but I am

Guy:  If you want to do pizza and a movie I'll cover the pizza.

At this point I was a little taken aback and unsure of how to respond.  Here's why:

First- I think it is tacky to bring up money at all.
Second- I am old fashioned.  I mean I don't mind paying sometimes and doing my share....but c'mon buddy this is our second should be wooing me (plus I paid half on our first date).
Third (and perhaps most importantly)- Buddy, you work at a pizza place (and live with your parents).  How generous of you to spring for a free or at least very cheap pizza and then tell me I am going to pay for the movie.

Me:  Confused faced emoticon

Guy:  So pizza and a movie on Sunday??

Me:  Sure...a movie at home or at the theatre?

Guy: Either way

Me: I am going to a movie tonight

Guy:  If I'm in charge of pizza, then  your in charge of the movie so you get to decide.

Guy:  I'll figure out something else

Me:  What do you mean?

Guy:  I was just thinking that you telling me you were going to the movies meant that you didn't want to go again.  So we are back to the drawing board.

Me: No, a movie is good.

Guy:  We could go out for supper or something I just figured you might be tight with money for a bit.

I was shocked.  Is it just me or is this completely out of line to say to someone you have been on one date with?  My financial business is really no concern of his.  I mean on our first date I did mention that work was a bit slow at the moment...but still....frig.  Where is the chivalry?  The good old fashioned gender roles?  The desire to romance a woman and make her feel like you are trying to woo her?  Am I being ridiculous?  Do I sound like a gold-digging, greedy, anti-feminist whore? 

Frig...what's a girl to do?

...and he's not 5'6"!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's actually tall:)

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Guy#8~ The Coconut Prince/Turkish Delight/The Professor

I recently had two dates with another Ehobbit.  Seriously.  I know I've mentioned it before but every single guy that tries to talk to me is under 5'8".   This one was no exception...he measured in at a whopping 5'7".  He seemed nice so I gave him a chance.  He also seemed to have things in order.  He worked as an Economics professor at a local university (this should have been a sign my last serious BF was an economist...).  Our first date was brief.  We met for coffee.  He was indeed nice.  Although I was not terribly attracted to him I decided to go for date number two.  In between date one and two we continued chatting on the phone etc.  During one of our discussions he asked me when my birthday was.  I told him.  He immediately went online and found a site that told about our compatibility based on our astrological sign.  To me it seemed a little twelve year old girl-ish...but I rolled with it.  According to this site he had a tough exterior like a coconut.  I proceded to tell him that it must mean that he was brown and hairy like a coconut.  He thought I was hilarious (obviously). 

On our second date we went bowling.  He insisted that instead of putting his initial 'B' on the score sheet I put 'CP'.  I was like, huh?  He responded by saying that it was for "Coconut Prince".  Yes.  Coconut Prince, he proclaimed himself to be a Coconut Prince and then gave himself a nickname.  Who does that?  During the strenuous activity of bowling he began to sweat  right through his shirt...ick.  True to the first date he was still extremely nice.  We went for lunch.  We also had coffee.  During this time I also discovered he was an extremely loud, spitty talker.  Ick.

Without going into long boring are some other key facts as to why this guy wasn't for me:

-He also called himself the Turkish Delight
-He texted me this joke: "What did the polar bear say to the camel?"
                                      "_______(insert my name here) is a cute girl who is one hell of a bowler"
-We went on two dates and he was telling his department secretary all about me.
-He was telling me he missed me on more than one occasion after not talking for just one day.
-He used to have these "Off the record" moments where he would compliment me or say something relationship-y and he would say can I tell you something "Off the record?"
-HE WORE ONE PIECE ONESIE PYJAMAS.  I swear.  He told me this.  He referred to them as his onesies.  At first I thought he meant a baby diaper shirt....but no he meant one piece footy pj's.  No self-respecting man who ever wanted to have sex would wear one piece pyjamas....I can't believe I almost forgot that one....fml.

Despite his crazy nerdiness he was a really nice person.  I felt really bad about breaking it off with him.  So I did the cowardly thing.  Nothing.  Eventually he wrote me on Facebook and I had to apologize for being a douchebag...honestly though...we only had two dates.

...and he was a 5'7" onesie wearing, loud, spitty talking Coconut Prince.

Guy #7~ Ian "The Over Accessorized"

Back in like July I started talking to this guy.  He seemed really artsy and didn't think my love of vintage, thrifted things was too weird.  He had a good job and seemed reasonably intelligent.  Then he disappeared.  In October-ish (yeah I am a little behind in posting) he all of a sudden resurfaced and asked me to go on a date.  He apologized for going missing.  I really didn't care...I mean if you are dating online you kind of expect these things to happen.  So I didn't ask too many questions and just decided to go on the damn date.  We met for coffee and then had dinner.  As it ALWAYS seems to be with these online guys, this guy was 5'6".  He was also extremely over accessorized.  He had on more jewelry and layers then I could ever imagine wearing on one day.  He had a newsboy style hat, glasses, had more than one hole in his ears, had a nose piercing, some beaded and hemp necklaces, some bracelets (one of which had a lot of skulls) and some rings.  SERIOUSLY!  He also had a jacket, a button up shirt, with a tight deep v-necked style shirt underneath...oh baby! He was also rockin' some Chuck T's which I am generally down with, I even have a pair, but this ensemble was just too much.

Anyways...he was a nice enough guy.  Kinda trying too hard...he was trying to prove how artsy was and how is was waaaay cool for being into indie music that I've never heard of.

Oh yeah...and he's 5'6".

He may have also been wearing a scarf.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Ehobbits :(

I have recently took the plunge and joined a real, you have to pay for it dating site.  Honestly, it sucks.  Supposedly it matches you on like 84 levels of compatibility.  Clearly there is no accounting for appearances because I have been matched with more hobbits than ever.  These dudes that are supposedly my soul mates are all like 5'6" and/or fugly trolls.  Why me God? Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

I am stuck with Ehobbits for three months.  So I will continue to use it until my time is up and hope something better turns almost $50 a month I might as well...even if it is just to mess with people.

Friday, 16 September 2011

Life in the Slow Lane

Last time I posted I had talked about joining another online dating site.  This dating site is far less trashy than the other I must say.  I have recieved far fewer requests (none actually) to sleep with married men, to join in a threesome, and have not been sent any pictures of genetalia!  That alone is a success in and of itself.  This site however does not seem to have the pool of users that the other does and I feel like I am seeing the same profiles pop up over and over again. 

That being said I have been chatting with two seemingly nice and normal guys, but have yet to meet either of them.  One is a 31 year old carpenter/caterer/photographer who lives here in the same city as me.  The other is 37 year old who works in the office of a construction company or something like that.  The second guy lives about three hours away from me so I was not super keen on getting anything going with him, but I gave it a chance and I actually quite like him.  He is planning on coming here at the end of the month to go to some seminar so we are going to meet up then.  I am looking forward to it:) 

So that's it for me.  I have really calmed it down on the dating scene but I will keep y'all (all three of ya) posted as to what is shakin' in my dating world.  I am sure I'll have some more horror stories to post as soon as I go on another date!

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Hoping to Get Struck by Cupid's Arrow

I have still not lost hope, although it has been several weeks since I have gone on a date.  The committment phobe doctor has contacted me this week (after about a month after I broke things off with him) saying he missed my smile and hanging out with me.  I am not falling for this.  He is still a committment phobe.  He still probably has a wife in Egypt(I may not have mentioned this suspicion before) and he still probably is cheap and boring.  I may go out for a coffee with him for something to do but he is not getting down my pants or anywhere near my pants for that matter.

I have also begun using another site, but only half heartedly (this site has to do with a certain little fellow who pops his head out around Valentines Day, Ok?).  The pool of user on this site is significantly smaller than the other site I had been using but so far noone has sent me a picture of their genitalia and I have not been approached by any married men.  I have actually just begun talking to a promising young carpenter.  Once/if we reach first date status I will let you know how that goes. 

Also my friends, a darling couple are eagerly trying to set me up with every available guy they know so I have a few prospects there.  I actually have a date scheduled for September 21 with a pharmacist friend of theirs who is coming in town from out of province.  It may be a big fat waste of time and silly to even bother going on a date with someone who lives so far away...but what the hell...I'll give it a shot!

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Online Dating Re-Cap

Haven't had any dates at all this week.  I have been trying out a new site but it seems as though it is slim pickins as far as attractive guys go.  Anyone out there have any advice to offer?  Should I stick with the online dating or shall I try to relax and late nature take its course and hope that eventually I will meet someone in the real world.  Everyone always says when you stop looking that's when you find someone...

Here's a quick re-cap of the winners I have dated so far:
1) Hipster going through a mid-life crisis
2) Committment Phobe Surgeon
3) The Geek with a Speech Impediment
4) Alcholic Postman
5) The Horny Rabbi
6) The Married Police Officer

This doesn't even include the freaks that didn't even make it to a first date...

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Guy #6: Diamond Des "Cheaters Never Prosper"

Last night I had a date with a real live non-internet guy.  I actually met him in real life and gave him my number and he called me.  Go figure.  I went to Beer Fest on Saturday with five friends(three guys and two girls) and had a great time.  At the end of the night as we were all leaving we were walking along when we encountered a group of dudes out on a bachelor party.  Somehow I began interacting with one of them.  He told me his name and I promptly made up a stupid nickname for him (Diamond Des, in case you are wondering).  He swept me off my feet.  Literally.  He came up behind me and picked me up and carried me away.  In the midst of my screaming he asked me for my number.  I said it, REALLY fast, thinking this guy will never remember that point we went our separate ways, I thought I would never hear from him again.

Here's where my story becomes anti-climactic.  As we were walking to our next destination, one of my male friends said, "That dude was wearing a wedding ring".  I am sooooo not a typical girl.  I don't even notice that type of thing, ever!  I didn't really care.  After all it was nothing and I was never going to hear from him again anyways, right?

Wrong!  The very next afternoon he called.  I was suprised and semi-impressed that he remembered my number.  He asked if I would like to meet and I said, "Sure".  We made plans to meet last night for appies, when I suddenly remembered my friend's wedding ring comment.  Oh fuck!  However...he is a guy.  How reliable are guys when it comes to matters of things like wedding rings.  It could have been the guys right could have been a school ring or some other cheesy ring...I don't know.... I called my friend up and asked him how certain he was that this was a wedding ring...he said about 85%.  Since we had just left a Beer Fest and were a little tipsy to say the least I was hoping that maybe he was mistaken.  I decided with a very skeptical mind to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and go on with the date.

We agreed to meet at the bar/restaurant of a hotel near my house (bad omen #1, aside from the whole wedding ring thing of course).  It was the kind of place you would certainly go if you didn't want anyone you knew to see you and of course conveniently has a place to get it on upstairs.  When I arrived he was already there.  We hugged and sat down and began to chat.  Immediately I noticed a ring on his right hand...phew!  He was wearing some type of grad ring.  This must be the ring my friend saw.  Then a nano second after I felt that sense of relief I got a fleeting glance at his left hand.  No ring but definate ring indentation and tan line.  What the fuck was I supposed to do then?  It was clear in my mind without a doubt that this asshole is married.  I probably should have run away screaming but I was dumbfounded.

With his left hand hidden under the table the entire time we continued chatting.  This is where it got really good....I asked him some typical questions...where are you from, what do you know the usual.  There is this oddness about him.  Everything he says is very vague...of course it is...he is a bold face, liar, and cheating bastard.  He tells me he works for the city.  I probe further looking for more specific details.  He tells me he "cleans up the streets". he a garbage man?  With further investigation I force out of him that he is actually one of Halifax's finest...that's right...a cop!  With a secretive smirky smile he kept asking me if there is anything else I wanted to know.  I kept asking, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"  So I asked him if he had kids.  He replied yes, three.  He the asked me again...Is there anything else you want to know.  I told him I think I already know.  He of course doesn't man up. So I just looked at him point blank and said, "You are married".  He responded that he was separated.  I then asked, "Do you live with your wife and three kids?"  He of course said yes.  So I say, "Then clearly you are not separated".  He goes on to give me some sob story about how it is so hard to leave, his wife cheated on him, this is the first time he has ever done this, it will ruin him financially...blah blah blah...cry me a river you slimy piece of crap.

Oh yeah, and he was short,

he performed magic tricks on the date,

...and most importanly the dickhead was MARRIED!

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

That's it, I Quit (for real)!

I have not given up on dating.  I have not given up on men.  I have given up on the horrid dating site that I have been using and all of the freaks, geeks, and sex fiends that have been messaging me.  I have cancelled my account on Plenty O' Freaks and am going to give dating in the real world a try.  This may mean I may have to man up, get some balls and really put myself out there and take some chances.  I may eventually give online dating another shot (maybe even in a couple of weeks), but next time I will use a more reputable site that you have to pay for.  At least that way I know that the guy probably at least has a credit card.

On another note.  I do have a real life non-internet dating date story to tell you about.  It is taking me a while to write it up though...the details are soooo gruesome and horrid I just can't make it concise.  I will likely post it this evening...stay tuned!

Thursday, 4 August 2011

The United States of Terrence

Okay.  I am done.  I am done with online dating.  After my date tomorrow I am done.  For real.  Unless someone really great messages me before then I am done.

Last week I began chatting with this guy, Sam.  He was cute and seemed nice (although a little too eager to meet me, I probably should have viewed this as a warning sign) so we planned to meet a few days after we began chatting.  He seemed promising so I sent his photo to my bestie.  She responded "Hey, that's Terrence!".  I was like "Are you sure that it's not Sam?".  She was pretty sure it was Terrence.  She was pretty sure it was the same guy that dated her ex-boyfriend's sister.  She also went on to inform me that he was really odd.  Harmless but a little slow and socially awkward.  So what choice did I have.  I had to message this guy to see if he was Sam or Terrence.  I sent the message.  I did a little prayer.  I was hoping my friend was wrong and that this was indeed Sam.  A nice, normal guy that just happened to look like this Terrence guy that she knew like ten years ago.  As my luck would have it (and I am sure you are not suprised), Sam and Terrence were one and the same.  Turns out his name is Samuel Terrence Brown.  He tells me that only his friends from high school and his family would know him as Terrence.  Everyone else knows him as Sam.

Things seem a little odd with this guy.  I have already scheduled a date with him and despite not owing him anything I feel bad about cancelling the date.  So...I decide to investigate a little further.  I send a different friend a text.  I asked her "Have you ever heard of Samuel Terrence Brown?"  Seconds later my phone rings.  I pick up and on the other end before even getting a chance to say hello I hear, "NOOOOOOOOOO! Don't do it!".  She proceeds to tell me that this guy is a freak.  He is dumb(which also coincides with my other friend's description of him) and that he has no friends.  She also tells me that he dated another girl we both know and supposedly he was obssessed with her, mooched off of her and became physically violent with her.  God damn!  I sure know how to pick 'em!

Now without a doubt in my mind I decide I must cancel this date.  I message him and just tell him that I know his ex-girlfriend and although he seems nice I would prefer not to get involved.  He went on to say that he didn't know what I heard about him, but it wasn't true and that I shouldn't judge him.  He told me that he had heard stuff about me too (which there is no way he did because there is nothing to hear and he wouldn't even know who to ask if there was).  He bad mouthed his ex and continued flipping out.  He said that teachers (which is my profession and also the profession of his ex) think they are better then everyone...blah blah blah.

I decide to message his ex (who I have as a facebook friend) and just let her know what happened.  She informs me, quite seriously that she thinks he actually has multiple personality disorder and that "Sam" is the bad, nasty side and that "Terrence" is actually quite sweet and nice.  This is far worse than I could have even imaged.  Thank you sweet baby jesus that I did not end up on a date with him.  While I am sensitive to people with mental illness I am not welcoming of that sort of drama and potential violence in my life.  I hope this guy gets the help he needs, poor unfortunate soul:(

Saturday, 30 July 2011


Today I decided to take the next step in a POF relationship.  Going from emailing back and forth through the site to messaging using another source.  I added this guy to my facebook and my BlackBerry  messanger.  Pretty harmless, right?  This only gives the guy access to your first and last name, every picture of you on the internet, your personal information, and a list of all your friends.  Anyhoo I hope this doesn't lead to me eventually being chopped up and frozen in my own least my address wasn't on there, right? 

So here's how things went down.  I was BBMing back and forth with this guy.  He seemed pretty nice.  The conversation slowly began to turn from generic conversation to some innocent flirting.  This went on for a little while when somehow in the conversation the dude ends up telling me how nice his bum is.  He was then like "Do you want to see it?".  I geniously responded "I am waiting for something a little more risque".  I was joking of course.  Then....BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Five seconds later I was staring at a picure of this guys junk!  For real! It was soooooooooooo nasty.  His little half chub and bald balls poking out through his plaid flannel masturbation pants.  You could see his cheesy apartment in the backgound.  That morning's coffee, his wrought iron and glass coffee table and several ugly, tall pillar candles.  It was the epitomy of sexiness (BARF). I freaked out, wrote something awkward and then immediately blocked the freak from my BlackBerry, my Facebook, and the online dating site.

Come on guys.  I am looking for a relationship.  Not some weird sex fiend that is willing to his weiner off to random girls within a few minutes of chatting with them.  I guess this is what they call sexting...and I am not down.

Seriously...only me.

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Guy #5: The Big Bang Theory (Thomas)

Last Tuesday I met up with the fifth guy I have dated.  I was really looking forward to this date.  This guy was really quite cute and leading up to the date we exchanged several well writting, charming emails.  I actually felt a good connection with this self-proclaimed geek.  The fact that he described him self as  a bit of a geek was actually a selling point for me.  I kinda like that geeky vibe.  I like that guy who was kind of geeky as a kid but eventually came into his own around university. 

We met up at the Shoe Shop...where I also met up with Victor and Pat...seems to be a go to choice for blind daters apparently.  When I arrived he was there waiting on a table he scored on the patio.  I went over and gave him a hug and sat down.  He looked exactly as he did in his profile so that pleased me.  What I was not prepared for was the weird speech impediment/accent.  It totally threw me off.  I actually had a difficult time understanding him at times.  I can't even mimic it or explain what it was wasn't a was like his mouth was extra spitty and he dragged out his words...kind of like a valley girl...but not.

He was also not just a touch nerdy...he was extremely nerdy.  I'm talking comic books, wrestling, video games, action figures, zombies, computer programmer, Star Wars, Transformers....think Big Bang Theory.  I am sure he and Sheldon would be great friends!

The bottom line is this guy was nice but there was zero attraction.  It really was a shame because probably more than all of my other dates I was looking most forward to this one.  I must not have done it for him either because I haven't heard a thing from him either.  This makes life easier:)

Oh yeah...he was also a 31 year old with Optimus Prime and Spiderman  posters adorning the walls of his apartment(or so he told me).

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Douche Bag Message of the Day: Cheating Bastard

This is the message I got today...friggin' loser.
I know I'm married and all but damn I wish. I looooove teachers. Theyre so bad!
Here is his profile.
Well what to say. I'm married. Glad that's out of the way. I'm on here because my life is wonderful. Honestly it really is! I want to meet new people to just go for drives with listening to a good newly minted cd or to just go out and sit at timmies and yap about nothing important over a coffee. I'm happily married but due to work I want friends away from my co workers. I also am not a bar star so I don't meet anyone anymore. I don't want people I know to know I'm here so if I like you and think we will meet in person only then will I send a picture. I also don't want my wife knowing im on here because if we get along I may agree to have a playful relationship on top of hanging out. Don't's can be happily married and still play!

I don't usually respond to these losers but today I was annoyed so here is my response to this asshole:

I think men like you are disgusting.  I would rather die than spend even one minute with you.  You should be thankful for your lovely wife...I am sure you don't deserve her.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

The Whiskas Man...Shirtless

Wow.  This is bad. 

I get what you are going for...seductive meets sensitive. 

Ladies, seriously...I hope none of you find this cheese attractive!

This guy immediately came to mind.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Me No Needo the Speedo!

Okay so a few posts back I said only profiles of guys that message me were fair game.  Well this person "viewed me" and it is just too bad not to share.   I have highlighted the especially bad parts:)

I do have to go to bed at a dence hour so i could not be keep up too late out and about:(

I am good looking and I have pictures just ask:) if your interested in my profile

I have a preference for big boned, beefy or full figured girls. A like woman that have a womanly body type.

I have a good job, I take care of myself, I am not looking for a cook, or maid or anything like that. I enjoy a woman that are smart funny a sense of who they are or who they like to become and Easy going type of woman older or younger but still exploring who they are or where they are in their life.

I like to go camping most weekends in the summer, have bonfires on the beaches in the summer, love kayaks and boats and fishing. I love going dancing, I love my family, and doing stuff for them, I have some really awesome friends. I like my job.

I want to make a difference in people's lives that I interact with. I like to cook and I'm good at it.:

I am 6 ft 2 tall average build I have big chocolate eyes brown eyes and brown hair.. lol and u have all my hair in the right places and not in places that hair is not saposto grow on homo sapians... I do not have any tattoos, pearsing. I shave regularly and I have neat manicured hands nice warm friendly smile:)

If you like something discrete I total be up for that? I not into random sex with strangers. I think that is really gross.. I am not looking for 1 time roll in the hay.. ..

I am into seeing a woman is pleased fully not really into self gratification..And i can tell you that I am very good with my hands.. Use your imagination...heheheh
The person that would interesting to me would be someone that has good good oral health, neat and tidy and take pride in there outward apprentice and not a smoker or big drinker or someone that use any drugs.

Lets chat with and see what u were about :)

Plus he also posted this amazing photo.  How could I not want to date this winner?

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Another One Bites the Dust!

After some consideration I have cut things off with the "Love Doctor".  I think my vision was clouded by the fact that he was a very successful man and couldn't really see at first that we were not really looking for the same thing.  He wasn't looking for a relationship or anything serious.  I am.  He is a touch boring.  I am not.  All he was interested in was going for walks and making out.  Both things I am interested in but in moderation or at least accompanied by other activities.  We had five dates and not one dinner, not one drink, no music, no movies...just walking and making out.  Sooo I put two and two together...he is cheap and is after the boo-tay (which he did not get from me).

I actually talked to him about this(well not the cheap part).  He claims he is too busy for a relationship blah, blah, blah.  I don't buy it.  I understand his career is important to him and takes up a lot of time but when he thought he might get some coochie from me he was available to see me about 4-5 times in one week.  I think he is a decent enough guy and can appreciate his honesty but...

he also was a worse than average kisser...

and a horndog.

Friday, 8 July 2011

The Middle Eastern Nicolas Cage

It's easy to post when I don't really like the guy and he ends up being some sort of freak.  What do you say when things are going good?  Blabbing on and on then seems like some sort of a betrayal.  I think I like the least enough to go on a few more dates with him.

Last night we went out for a brief walk and spent some time sitting on Citadel Hill chatting....and making out.  If there is one thing I can say about this guy he is not afraid of his PDA's.  Granted it was getting dark out and there weren't many people around...but still...he is way more comfortable getting it on in public than I am.  I am not sure exactly what he is looking for.  His profile says dating...and he is always talking about how busy he is with his career...but he has still managed to see me a few times this week.  I have a feeling he might just be looking for some action but really he's not getting it here.  Not any serious beyond what I would have done in ninth grade anyway.  I learned that lesson with Victor.

I may just get up the guts to ask him tonight or tomorrow when I see him...but I hate that...what do I say..."Ummm we've been on four dates now, where do you see this headed?"  I mean that is borderline psycho.  However, on the other hand if he is just after a casual sex partner I do not want to be wasting my time...or at the very least I need him to be upfront about it so any decisions I make are fully informed. 

I don't know about this one.  Only time and psychotic questioning will tell.

Oh yeah...he said Nicolas Cage was his favorite actor.  Surely this is not a good sign.

...and supposedly he's been told he looks like a Middle Eastern version of him. 
God help me. 
Why can't I just meet a normal guy in the good 'ol fashioned way?

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Guilty Conscience?

Remember Victor?  They guy that I thought I hit it of with and... and then basically never talked to me again.  Well he called me tonight.  Almost three weeks since the last time I saw him.  I don't know if he just suddenly realized what a douche bag he had been but he decided to call to apologize.  The call went something like this:

Me: Hello?
V: Hi, It's Victor
Me: Hiiiiiii?
V:  I am just calling to apologize.
Me: Ooookay...
V:  I know we were hanging around a lot but I am just in a really bad place now.  I am kinda fucked up.
Me:  I appreciate your apology but it would have been nice to get it like a few days after the last time I saw you...not three weeks later.
V: Yeah I know...I've just been busy with work and I kept meaning to call you...
Me:  It's fine.
V:  And then I saw you that night out downtown and I was hammered....
Me:  It's fine.
V:  So much time had passed so I thought it might be weird to call, but then I decided to man up and call you.
Me:  Thanks for finally growing a set and calling me.
V:  Once again, I am sorry.
Me:  Well I appreciate you calling.  Really It's fine.  Bye.
V:  I'll talk to you...uh...whenever...uh I see you...uh sometime...
Me: Bye Victor.

Well Victor,  I hope your conscience is clear. 

For real, this is your profile? (Jay-BizZy fo' ShizzY)

I am not out searching for strange profiles, however if you message me then you are fair game.  I got a message, it was fairly normal...not anything overly ambitious...just something like "Hey, how are you today?".  I clicked on the profile to see who was writing me.  This is what I found.

Same sh*tdifferent day just riding through the city looking prettiest as usual
It's the same old thang got the name on the chain just to let them know who's who
And they know I've over here so they come and find me right after they lose you
For you playas in the way we can let the guns say "excuse you"
At the end of the day we just trying find our way and I might be a come up
And baby you hitch a ride but you gotta know how to do more than how to keep a thump up
It's so incredible that it ain't edible but they know the cake's real
Yo I couldn't even say ask these other silicon playas how being fake feel

Sorry Mr. Rapper.  I am not blown away by your lyrical genious.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Douche Bag Message of the Day (Prada Boy)x2

Another loser who definately doesn't know how to approach a lady.

Message #1           mmm whats up babe msg me back if intrested (July 1)

Of course I didn't respond to message number one so naturally this message appears in my inbox four days later.

Message #2           mmm whats up baby msg me back if intrested (July 5)

I suppose he just copies and pastes the same lame message into everyone's inbox....same incorrect spelling and lack of punctuation each time (the obvious cheese factor goes without saying).


July 4, 2011 Second Date with the "Love Doctor"(Mo)

My second date with the "Love Doctor" consisted of a lot of heavy breathing, panting, and perspiring.  That's right it finally happened...

I got my ass up and moving for the first time in probably a year and went for a run.  It was slightly pathetic but could have gone worse.  I play a lot of sports but that is different.  In sports normally when you run it is just a short burst and then you have a few moments to recover.  Yesterday I made it one loop around the commons (about 1.5km) without stopping.  We walked the second loop and then detoured up Citadel Hill.  I ran about halfway around the citadel and back down and half way around the commons again before having to stop.  I felt a little bad because I know the doctor probably could have easily done the whole thing without stopping.  Oh well.  I suck.

The good news is I am pretty sure he still found me attractive  while wheezing, sweating and make-up less. 

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Guy #4 "The Love Doctor" (Mo)

So I was at it again.  Back putting myself in potentially dangerous situations with random guys on the internet (although I do always let a friend know where I am going and get a "mid-date safety check-in" text and a "got home safe" end of the night text).  After spending the day with friends at Multifest and stuffing my face with delicious foods from around the world I got home and saw that I had some dating related messages in my inbox.  So at 11 o'clock pm I ran off to the Shoe Shop (also where I spent my second date with Victor) to meet Mo, a 32 year old surgeon. 

Okay once again this is not my date.  Nor does he look like this. 
 I just figured as far as "love doctors" go Travis Stork fits the bill.

I got there and ordered a beer.  He ordered a Pepsi...he doesn't drink...certainly refreshing after my last date with the "Postman".  He was really sweet and charming and the conversation was never lacking and seemed quite natural for a first date.  After a little while we decided to go for a walk down by the waterfront.  We stopped and sat on a bench.  This is of course where he switches from sweet Mr. Doctor-man to the ever suave Love Doctor.  He kissed me.  It was nice.  Then he kissed me some more.  Then because it was late and dark and noone was around he decided that it would be okay to totally feel me up.  I wasn't opposed to a little of this but it got a little carried away when he asked me to go back to his place on the first date.  There was a time in my more wilder, stupider days when this may have been a possibilty.  However these days it just ain't happenin'.  I am looking for a little more than a one night stand or a booty call.

That all being said he was very respectful and totally backed off.  He was a gentleman and walked me to my car and we went our seperate ways.  I heard from him today and I have decided that I am going to see him again this week at some point.  Most likely we will go for a run around the commons...this should be totally mortifying for me.  Wheezing, sweating, struggling to keep up...all the while trying to play it cool and act like it is all a breeze.  Stay tuned, I'll let you know how it goes.

Guy #3: "Going Postal" (Pat)

I spent part of my Canada Day on a patio sipping on some tasty bevvies.  Sounds perfect right?  Wrong!  I had a date with the guy I like to call the "postman".  His profile was really sweet.  He wasn't bad looking.  Should have been a nice wasn't.  I can't really put my finger on what I didn't like about him but I just didn't.   Maybe it was how my times he mentioned how much he "loved his beer".  Maybe it was the five drinks he had in the middle of the afternoon(in a time span of less than two hours).  Maybe it was the half pint of Guiness he spilled on me and my white leather bag.  Maybe it was the fact that he said on his profile he didn't smoke and then as my car pulled away I watched him light one up.

A few of the best parts of his profile:
Firstly, I love being playfull and kidding around. I am a pretty fun guy, love making people laugh and feel good about themselves, even if it comes at my expense. I am very passionate about life and try to enjoy everyday as if it were my last. I am looking for that, knock me over feeling that you get when you first meet someone...I know its out there and I am patiently waiting for it to happen. I won't settle....why should anyone?
Je suis francais, but you would never know it. I dont have an accent or anything like that, however was taught in French so I am sorry for the

I like to think of myself as being a hopeless romantic despite the curvballs life can throw at you. People say nice guys always finish last, not this one, might get a bump or a bruise from time to time, but I'll never quit, nor will I change....Life is full of surprises, doesnt mean they are all good, but there is always an upside to every situation.
He also sent me a cheesy text with a broken heart emoticon when I said I had plans that evening.

He was a cheeseball.
He had lots of baggage.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Douche Bag Message of the Day (FlaccidFish)

This is some of the shit guys will write you hoping to get laid.  Seriously?  Who responds to this? 

"hey wanna get together and have some fun? we can start off with me going down on you and then take it from there ;) so what do you say? wanna have some fun with me tonight? well get back to me and it better be a yes ;)"

Good luck buddy.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Guy#2: "Go Big or Go Home" (Harry)

A teacher and a rabbi walk into a bar...

Oh wait!  That's not a joke...that's my date last Thursday night. 

My story may seem a little anti-climatic from this point on since I have basically already given you the punchline but here are the gory details:

So last Wednesday I was checking my POF  online dating site inbox and I came across a message from a very interesting sounding guy.  Seemingly intelligent, well travelled and Jewish.  Although I am not Jewish this is not a problem for me.  I am pretty open to dating anyone as long as they are intelligent, have a good sense of humour and are cute.  I also figured that he was Jewish in the way that most of the Christians I know are Christian...they observe some of the customs of their religion but generally don't take it too seriously in their day to day life.

Here is a snippet from his profile:

"I love my profession and work hard at it, but I definitely make plenty of time for life's other pleasures, including salsa dancing, theatre, traveling, concerts, and movies. If I'm not doing any of the above, you'll likely find me hanging out on random park benches with a cappuccino and a book, watching my Montreal Canadiens hockey team on tv, or dining out with friends".

Obviously not my date, but they actually looked eerily similar.
I arrive at a local pizza place/bar and my date is waiting there sipping on a drink.  We exchange a hug and sit down and begin to chat.  So far so good.  The discussion turns to food.  I suggest we share a pizza.  He doesn't mix meat with problem we order a veggie pizza.  We much on our food and chit chat.  The conversation is going well.  The topic turns to work/career stuff so I ask him what he does.  At this point all I know is that he is doing a PhD and travels (lives) between Halifax and a major American city.  Turns out not only is my date Jewish he is a RABBI!  I never do anything small.  I don't just end up on a date with a Jewish guy...I end up on a date with one of Halifax's two(?) rabbis...incredible.  Anyways the guy is nice enough and certainly interesting enough to talk to.  However I quickly realize that he is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to serious for me.  I am smart enough but talking politics, religion, theories all day long is a bit much for me.  His PhD is also in some sort of Hebrew music which he is very passionate about.  He also likes to salsa dance and take rap songs and set them to classical music.  I think if he saw me with my friends for even five minutes he would run away in horror with some of the ridiculous things that come out of our mouths.  I begin to think this is someone I could never truly be myself around.

Anyway...after some thought I decide to give him a second shot.  Saturday evening he texts me (seems to be the way of dating these days) and asks if I want to do something.  He says he is really tired and just wants to do something relaxing.  I say he can come over to my place (stupid I is where I potentially get chopped up and shoved in a freezer). 

When he arrives he immediately begins to pass out on my sofa.  Apparently my conversation is so stimulating that he can't even keep his eyes open.  As he is about to leave he looks at me and says "Come here for a minute".  I move closer to him on the sofa (as we are sitting on opposite ends) and he begins passionately kissing me.  I guess I am an idiot because I let him.  Well kissing naturally leads to dry humping and the next thing I know the rabbi is on top of me humping my leg.  I feel his circumsized penis rubbing on me and I push him off of me repulsed but say something about taking it a little slower...lame...I know.  At this point the date is over and I do everything but push him out the door.  He says he is tired and worried about driving home.  I was like I don't care what you do dude but you ain't stayin' here...see ya!

Oh yeah...and he's 5'7".

...and bald.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Guy #1: "Trust Your Gut" (Victor)

I originally set up my online dating profile without any pictures and without and real information.  I filled it out with a bunch of gibberish so that I could get beyond looking at the 10 profiles they allow you to look at without signing up.  Then one night I was home sick and bored.  I started browsing and actually saw some profiles that looked good to me.  So in order not to look like an idiot I actually put forth an effort to write a halfway intelligent sounding profile.  I was not (and still am not) ready to include a picture.  Last time I was online for dating purposes I attracted way to many freaks.  This time I wanted to be in control...message people that I thought I might be interested in and then send a picture if I get a positive response.

Not my actual date(Name has also been changed).  Photo credit 

I messaged a few guys and then I received a message from a guy that I was not interested in.  He claimed he
thought he had spoken to me before on there (he hadn't).  I looked at his profile...although I was not initially attracted to him he sounded reasonably intelligent and actually seemed like we might have some things in common.  Here is a little sample from his hindsight I think he might sound a little douche-y.  Am I wrong?

- can answer a disturbingly high number of questions on Jeopardy
- regularly send emails without proof reading them, which sometimes comes a cross as if English is my second language (it is not) or I am an idiot ( also which I am not). If I end up sending you one, I apologise in advance. And no I don't have an accent unless you count a Ontario one.
- just vain enough that I want to look my best and not look like sh*t wearing ugly shoes, but not so vain as to make getting ready in the morning take longer than 15min
-genuinely enjoy shopping both as spectator and participant, I will even hold your purse and not make a big deal about it
- sometimes wear a suit to work (think "Mad Men") and a tie on Sat., but I'm far from being a "suit" or uptight
- favorite movies Office Space, Dark Knight, Jesus Christ Superstar (I like the music), Team America, 500 days of summer . I know some pretty pedestrian choices but I also like some more highbrow stuff like "City of God" and documentaries.

We started chatting and after exchanging a few messages, cut to the chase and decided to meet for brunch the following weekend.  We went out and I was pleasantly suprised.  He was well dressed, intelligent and we seemed to have lots in common.  Not to mention he has a good job and no baggage.  We extended our date and went to some local shops that we both enjoy.  I left feeling pleasantly suprised.

Fast forward three days(Wednesday).  We meet up for nachos and beers on a local patio.  After this date I feel as though we are essentially the same person...we had soooo much in common.  We kiss in my car when I drop him off at the end of the date.  Not a gross sloppy creepy kiss.  A nice respectful second date kiss. 

We see eachother Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday... we seem to be hitting it off.  I am a little nervous because originally I wanted to take things slow and just date and have fun.  However things are going well and he is initiating the all the hanging out and is texting throughout the day consistently...I am having fun so I decide to go with it. 

*(I should note here though that there were a few signs that he may not be exactly perfect for me.  He is a little too obsessed with fashion.  I like a man that looks good but not one that is more concerned about his looks than me.  He also likes to complain about everything that Halifax does not have and how it is better in his Upper Canadian home city.  Mildly annoying but tolerable given how much other stuff we have in common.  I also noted to a friend that I was unsure if it was a passionate love connection, but I was having fun)

Friday night he meets me at work and we have an awesome dinner together.  This was sort of an impromptu plan as we already had plans to head to the market on Saturday.  We go back to his place and watch a movie and.....wake up the next morning at his place for the first time.  I head home and shower etc.  We stick to our market plan.  Things are a little lackluster but I figure we are both tired and can't be "on" all the time.  Anyhoo that is the last time I saw him. 

Oh he texts me from time to time...but doesn't seem to want to see me again...I don't know what he is trying to prove...maybe that he is not a jerk....who knows.  Am I being a crazy girl for being confused about this?  If I had behaved like a crazy girl leaching on to him, pressuring him, calling and texting him like crazy...sure....that would make sense.  However I was not the initiator.  Oh well his loss. 

He was also dangerously close to being a hipster.

How I Got Here

After spending the last three and a half years in a relationship (with someone that I met online) I have recently found myself single.  By finding myself single I mean I dumped his over critical, cocky ass.  I am enjoying the freedom I have found and am enjoying having my own place and making it mine. 

Just a few weeks ago I decided that I was ready to re-enter the crazy world of online dating.  Since about four years ago when I was last online, not much has changed.  There are still plenty of weird, undateable freaks out there sending me creepy messages.  I have so far only dated two guys this go round and so far I am 0 in 2.  I keep hanging on to the hope that there might be someone normal out there...I am on there's gotta be more normal people on here too right?   These are my dating stories...