Cock-a-Doodle-Don't!!!

Today I decided to take the next step in a POF relationship.  Going from emailing back and forth through the site to messaging using another source.  I added this guy to my facebook and my BlackBerry  messanger.  Pretty harmless, right?  This only gives the guy access to your first and last name, every picture of you on the internet, your personal information, and a list of all your friends.  Anyhoo I hope this doesn't lead to me eventually being chopped up and frozen in my own freezer...at least my address wasn't on there, right? 

So here's how things went down.  I was BBMing back and forth with this guy.  He seemed pretty nice.  The conversation slowly began to turn from generic conversation to some innocent flirting.  This went on for a little while when somehow in the conversation the dude ends up telling me how nice his bum is.  He was then like "Do you want to see it?".  I geniously responded "I am waiting for something a little more risque".  I was joking of course.  Then....BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Five seconds later I was staring at a picure of this guys junk!  For real! It was soooooooooooo nasty.  His little half chub and bald balls poking out through his plaid flannel masturbation pants.  You could see his cheesy apartment in the backgound.  That morning's coffee, his wrought iron and glass coffee table and several ugly, tall pillar candles.  It was the epitomy of sexiness (BARF). I freaked out, wrote something awkward and then immediately blocked the freak from my BlackBerry, my Facebook, and the online dating site.

Come on guys.  I am looking for a relationship.  Not some weird sex fiend that is willing to his weiner off to random girls within a few minutes of chatting with them.  I guess this is what they call sexting...and I am not down.

Seriously...only me.
 

Guy #5: The Big Bang Theory (Thomas)

Last Tuesday I met up with the fifth guy I have dated.  I was really looking forward to this date.  This guy was really quite cute and leading up to the date we exchanged several well writting, charming emails.  I actually felt a good connection with this self-proclaimed geek.  The fact that he described him self as  a bit of a geek was actually a selling point for me.  I kinda like that geeky vibe.  I like that guy who was kind of geeky as a kid but eventually came into his own around university. 

We met up at the Shoe Shop...where I also met up with Victor and Pat...seems to be a go to choice for blind daters apparently.  When I arrived he was there waiting on a table he scored on the patio.  I went over and gave him a hug and sat down.  He looked exactly as he did in his profile so that pleased me.  What I was not prepared for was the weird speech impediment/accent.  It totally threw me off.  I actually had a difficult time understanding him at times.  I can't even mimic it or explain what it was like...it wasn't a lisp...it was like his mouth was extra spitty and he dragged out his words...kind of like a valley girl...but not.

He was also not just a touch nerdy...he was extremely nerdy.  I'm talking comic books, wrestling, video games, action figures, zombies, computer programmer, Star Wars, Transformers....think Big Bang Theory.  I am sure he and Sheldon would be great friends!

The bottom line is this guy was nice but there was zero attraction.  It really was a shame because probably more than all of my other dates I was looking most forward to this one.  I must not have done it for him either because I haven't heard a thing from him either.  This makes life easier:)

Oh yeah...he was also a 31 year old with Optimus Prime and Spiderman  posters adorning the walls of his apartment(or so he told me).

Douche Bag Message of the Day: Cheating Bastard

This is the message I got today...friggin' loser.

 

I know I'm married and all but damn I wish. I looooove teachers. Theyre so bad!

 

Here is his profile.

 

Well what to say. I'm married. Glad that's out of the way. I'm on here because my life is wonderful. Honestly it really is! I want to meet new people to just go for drives with listening to a good newly minted cd or to just go out and sit at timmies and yap about nothing important over a coffee. I'm happily married but due to work I want friends away from my co workers. I also am not a bar star so I don't meet anyone anymore. I don't want people I know to know I'm here so if I like you and think we will meet in person only then will I send a picture. I also don't want my wife knowing im on here because if we get along I may agree to have a playful relationship on top of hanging out. Don't judge....it's fun....you can be happily married and still play!

I don't usually respond to these losers but today I was annoyed so here is my response to this asshole:

I think men like you are disgusting.  I would rather die than spend even one minute with you.  You should be thankful for your lovely wife...I am sure you don't deserve her.

The Whiskas Man...Shirtless

Wow.  This is bad. 

I get what you are going for...seductive meets sensitive. 

Ladies, seriously...I hope none of you find this cheese attractive!

This guy immediately came to mind.

Me No Needo the Speedo!

Okay so a few posts back I said only profiles of guys that message me were fair game.  Well this person "viewed me" and it is just too bad not to share.   I have highlighted the especially bad parts:)

I do have to go to bed at a dence hour so i could not be keep up too late out and about:(

I am good looking and I have pictures just ask:) if your interested in my profile

I have a preference for big boned, beefy or full figured girls. A like woman that have a womanly body type.

I have a good job, I take care of myself, I am not looking for a cook, or maid or anything like that. I enjoy a woman that are smart funny a sense of who they are or who they like to become and Easy going type of woman older or younger but still exploring who they are or where they are in their life.

I like to go camping most weekends in the summer, have bonfires on the beaches in the summer, love kayaks and boats and fishing. I love going dancing, I love my family, and doing stuff for them, I have some really awesome friends. I like my job.

I want to make a difference in people's lives that I interact with. I like to cook and I'm good at it.:

I am 6 ft 2 tall average build I have big chocolate eyes brown eyes and brown hair.. lol and u have all my hair in the right places and not in places that hair is not saposto grow on homo sapians... I do not have any tattoos, pearsing. I shave regularly and I have neat manicured hands nice warm friendly smile:)

If you like something discrete I total be up for that? I not into random sex with strangers. I think that is really gross.. I am not looking for 1 time roll in the hay.. ..

I am into seeing a woman is pleased fully not really into self gratification..And i can tell you that I am very good with my hands.. Use your imagination...heheheh
The person that would interesting to me would be someone that has good good oral health, neat and tidy and take pride in there outward apprentice and not a smoker or big drinker or someone that use any drugs.

Lets chat with and see what u were about :)

Plus he also posted this amazing photo.  How could I not want to date this winner?

Another One Bites the Dust!

After some consideration I have cut things off with the "Love Doctor".  I think my vision was clouded by the fact that he was a very successful man and couldn't really see at first that we were not really looking for the same thing.  He wasn't looking for a relationship or anything serious.  I am.  He is a touch boring.  I am not.  All he was interested in was going for walks and making out.  Both things I am interested in but in moderation or at least accompanied by other activities.  We had five dates and not one dinner, not one drink, no music, no movies...just walking and making out.  Sooo I put two and two together...he is cheap and is after the boo-tay (which he did not get from me).

I actually talked to him about this(well not the cheap part).  He claims he is too busy for a relationship blah, blah, blah.  I don't buy it.  I understand his career is important to him and takes up a lot of time but when he thought he might get some coochie from me he was available to see me about 4-5 times in one week.  I think he is a decent enough guy and can appreciate his honesty but...

he also was a worse than average kisser...

and a horndog.

The Middle Eastern Nicolas Cage

It's easy to post when I don't really like the guy and he ends up being some sort of freak.  What do you say when things are going good?  Blabbing on and on then seems like some sort of a betrayal.  I think I like the doctor...at least enough to go on a few more dates with him.

Last night we went out for a brief walk and spent some time sitting on Citadel Hill chatting....and making out.  If there is one thing I can say about this guy he is not afraid of his PDA's.  Granted it was getting dark out and there weren't many people around...but still...he is way more comfortable getting it on in public than I am.  I am not sure exactly what he is looking for.  His profile says dating...and he is always talking about how busy he is with his career...but he has still managed to see me a few times this week.  I have a feeling he might just be looking for some action but really he's not getting it here.  Not any serious beyond what I would have done in ninth grade anyway.  I learned that lesson with Victor.

I may just get up the guts to ask him tonight or tomorrow when I see him...but I hate that...what do I say..."Ummm we've been on four dates now, where do you see this headed?"  I mean that is borderline psycho.  However, on the other hand if he is just after a casual sex partner I do not want to be wasting my time...or at the very least I need him to be upfront about it so any decisions I make are fully informed. 

I don't know about this one.  Only time and psychotic questioning will tell.

Oh yeah...he said Nicolas Cage was his favorite actor.  Surely this is not a good sign.

Photo Credit http://ca.askmen.com/celebs/men/entertainment/27_nicolas_cage.html

...and supposedly he's been told he looks like a Middle Eastern version of him. 

God help me. 

Why can't I just meet a normal guy in the good 'ol fashioned way?

Guilty Conscience?

Remember Victor?  They guy that I thought I hit it of with and... and then basically never talked to me again.  Well he called me tonight.  Almost three weeks since the last time I saw him.  I don't know if he just suddenly realized what a douche bag he had been but he decided to call to apologize.  The call went something like this:

Me: Hello?
V: Hi, It's Victor
Me: Hiiiiiii?
V:  I am just calling to apologize.
Me: Ooookay...
V:  I know we were hanging around a lot but I am just in a really bad place now.  I am kinda fucked up.
Me:  I appreciate your apology but it would have been nice to get it like a few days after the last time I saw you...not three weeks later.
V: Yeah I know...I've just been busy with work and I kept meaning to call you...
Me:  It's fine.
V:  And then I saw you that night out downtown and I was hammered....
Me:  It's fine.
V:  So much time had passed so I thought it might be weird to call, but then I decided to man up and call you.
Me:  Thanks for finally growing a set and calling me.
V:  Once again, I am sorry.
Me:  Well I appreciate you calling.  Really It's fine.  Bye.
V:  I'll talk to you...uh...whenever...uh I see you...uh sometime...
Me: Bye Victor.


Well Victor,  I hope your conscience is clear. 

For real, this is your profile? (Jay-BizZy fo' ShizzY)

I am not out searching for strange profiles, however if you message me then you are fair game.  I got a message, it was fairly normal...not anything overly ambitious...just something like "Hey, how are you today?".  I clicked on the profile to see who was writing me.  This is what I found.

Same sh*tdifferent day just riding through the city looking prettiest as usual
It's the same old thang got the name on the chain just to let them know who's who
And they know I've over here so they come and find me right after they lose you
For you playas in the way we can let the guns say "excuse you"
At the end of the day we just trying find our way and I might be a come up
And baby you hitch a ride but you gotta know how to do more than how to keep a thump up
It's so incredible that it ain't edible but they know the cake's real
Yo I couldn't even say ask these other silicon playas how being fake feel

Sorry Mr. Rapper.  I am not blown away by your lyrical genious.

Douche Bag Message of the Day (Prada Boy)x2

Another loser who definately doesn't know how to approach a lady.

Message #1           mmm whats up babe msg me back if intrested (July 1)

Of course I didn't respond to message number one so naturally this message appears in my inbox four days later.

Message #2           mmm whats up baby msg me back if intrested (July 5)

I suppose he just copies and pastes the same lame message into everyone's inbox....same incorrect spelling and lack of punctuation each time (the obvious cheese factor goes without saying).

Idiot.

July 4, 2011 Second Date with the "Love Doctor"(Mo)

My second date with the "Love Doctor" consisted of a lot of heavy breathing, panting, and perspiring.  That's right it finally happened...

I got my ass up and moving for the first time in probably a year and went for a run.  It was slightly pathetic but could have gone worse.  I play a lot of sports but that is different.  In sports normally when you run it is just a short burst and then you have a few moments to recover.  Yesterday I made it one loop around the commons (about 1.5km) without stopping.  We walked the second loop and then detoured up Citadel Hill.  I ran about halfway around the citadel and back down and half way around the commons again before having to stop.  I felt a little bad because I know the doctor probably could have easily done the whole thing without stopping.  Oh well.  I suck.

The good news is I am pretty sure he still found me attractive  while wheezing, sweating and make-up less. 

Guy #4 "The Love Doctor" (Mo)

So I was at it again.  Back putting myself in potentially dangerous situations with random guys on the internet (although I do always let a friend know where I am going and get a "mid-date safety check-in" text and a "got home safe" end of the night text).  After spending the day with friends at Multifest and stuffing my face with delicious foods from around the world I got home and saw that I had some dating related messages in my inbox.  So at 11 o'clock pm I ran off to the Shoe Shop (also where I spent my second date with Victor) to meet Mo, a 32 year old surgeon. 

Okay once again this is not my date.  Nor does he look like this. 

 I just figured as far as "love doctors" go Travis Stork fits the bill.

Photo Credit http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-506513/Cant-man-makes-happy-The-Love-Doctor-says-YOUR-fault.html

I got there and ordered a beer.  He ordered a Pepsi...he doesn't drink...certainly refreshing after my last date with the "Postman".  He was really sweet and charming and the conversation was never lacking and seemed quite natural for a first date.  After a little while we decided to go for a walk down by the waterfront.  We stopped and sat on a bench.  This is of course where he switches from sweet Mr. Doctor-man to the ever suave Love Doctor.  He kissed me.  It was nice.  Then he kissed me some more.  Then because it was late and dark and noone was around he decided that it would be okay to totally feel me up.  I wasn't opposed to a little of this but it got a little carried away when he asked me to go back to his place on the first date.  There was a time in my more wilder, stupider days when this may have been a possibilty.  However these days it just ain't happenin'.  I am looking for a little more than a one night stand or a booty call.

That all being said he was very respectful and totally backed off.  He was a gentleman and walked me to my car and we went our seperate ways.  I heard from him today and I have decided that I am going to see him again this week at some point.  Most likely we will go for a run around the commons...this should be totally mortifying for me.  Wheezing, sweating, struggling to keep up...all the while trying to play it cool and act like it is all a breeze.  Stay tuned, I'll let you know how it goes.

Guy #3: "Going Postal" (Pat)

I spent part of my Canada Day on a patio sipping on some tasty bevvies.  Sounds perfect right?  Wrong!  I had a date with the guy I like to call the "postman".  His profile was really sweet.  He wasn't bad looking.  Should have been a nice date....it wasn't.  I can't really put my finger on what I didn't like about him but I just didn't.   Maybe it was how my times he mentioned how much he "loved his beer".  Maybe it was the five drinks he had in the middle of the afternoon(in a time span of less than two hours).  Maybe it was the half pint of Guiness he spilled on me and my white leather bag.  Maybe it was the fact that he said on his profile he didn't smoke and then as my car pulled away I watched him light one up.

A few of the best parts of his profile:

Firstly, I love being playfull and kidding around. I am a pretty fun guy, love making people laugh and feel good about themselves, even if it comes at my expense. I am very passionate about life and try to enjoy everyday as if it were my last. I am looking for that, knock me over feeling that you get when you first meet someone...I know its out there and I am patiently waiting for it to happen. I won't settle....why should anyone?

Je suis francais, but you would never know it. I dont have an accent or anything like that, however was taught in French so I am sorry for the spelling....lol

I like to think of myself as being a hopeless romantic despite the curvballs life can throw at you. People say nice guys always finish last, not this one, might get a bump or a bruise from time to time, but I'll never quit, nor will I change....Life is full of surprises, doesnt mean they are all good, but there is always an upside to every situation.

He also sent me a cheesy text with a broken heart emoticon when I said I had plans that evening.

He was a cheeseball.

He had lots of baggage.

Douche Bag Message of the Day (FlaccidFish)

This is some of the shit guys will write you hoping to get laid.  Seriously?  Who responds to this? 

"hey wanna get together and have some fun? we can start off with me going down on you and then take it from there ;) so what do you say? wanna have some fun with me tonight? well get back to me and it better be a yes ;)"

Good luck buddy.