Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Guy#2: "Go Big or Go Home" (Harry)

A teacher and a rabbi walk into a bar...

Oh wait!  That's not a joke...that's my date last Thursday night. 

My story may seem a little anti-climatic from this point on since I have basically already given you the punchline but here are the gory details:

So last Wednesday I was checking my POF  online dating site inbox and I came across a message from a very interesting sounding guy.  Seemingly intelligent, well travelled and Jewish.  Although I am not Jewish this is not a problem for me.  I am pretty open to dating anyone as long as they are intelligent, have a good sense of humour and are cute.  I also figured that he was Jewish in the way that most of the Christians I know are Christian...they observe some of the customs of their religion but generally don't take it too seriously in their day to day life.

Here is a snippet from his profile:

"I love my profession and work hard at it, but I definitely make plenty of time for life's other pleasures, including salsa dancing, theatre, traveling, concerts, and movies. If I'm not doing any of the above, you'll likely find me hanging out on random park benches with a cappuccino and a book, watching my Montreal Canadiens hockey team on tv, or dining out with friends".

Obviously not my date, but they actually looked eerily similar.
I arrive at a local pizza place/bar and my date is waiting there sipping on a drink.  We exchange a hug and sit down and begin to chat.  So far so good.  The discussion turns to food.  I suggest we share a pizza.  He doesn't mix meat with problem we order a veggie pizza.  We much on our food and chit chat.  The conversation is going well.  The topic turns to work/career stuff so I ask him what he does.  At this point all I know is that he is doing a PhD and travels (lives) between Halifax and a major American city.  Turns out not only is my date Jewish he is a RABBI!  I never do anything small.  I don't just end up on a date with a Jewish guy...I end up on a date with one of Halifax's two(?) rabbis...incredible.  Anyways the guy is nice enough and certainly interesting enough to talk to.  However I quickly realize that he is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to serious for me.  I am smart enough but talking politics, religion, theories all day long is a bit much for me.  His PhD is also in some sort of Hebrew music which he is very passionate about.  He also likes to salsa dance and take rap songs and set them to classical music.  I think if he saw me with my friends for even five minutes he would run away in horror with some of the ridiculous things that come out of our mouths.  I begin to think this is someone I could never truly be myself around.

Anyway...after some thought I decide to give him a second shot.  Saturday evening he texts me (seems to be the way of dating these days) and asks if I want to do something.  He says he is really tired and just wants to do something relaxing.  I say he can come over to my place (stupid I is where I potentially get chopped up and shoved in a freezer). 

When he arrives he immediately begins to pass out on my sofa.  Apparently my conversation is so stimulating that he can't even keep his eyes open.  As he is about to leave he looks at me and says "Come here for a minute".  I move closer to him on the sofa (as we are sitting on opposite ends) and he begins passionately kissing me.  I guess I am an idiot because I let him.  Well kissing naturally leads to dry humping and the next thing I know the rabbi is on top of me humping my leg.  I feel his circumsized penis rubbing on me and I push him off of me repulsed but say something about taking it a little slower...lame...I know.  At this point the date is over and I do everything but push him out the door.  He says he is tired and worried about driving home.  I was like I don't care what you do dude but you ain't stayin' here...see ya!

Oh yeah...and he's 5'7".

...and bald.

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